From the Vault: Coming Clean/Unconditional Love Part III

Essays
Written By Nathan Box

Journal: August 2012

"Alone" 

I fear death. I fear dying alone. I fear not being loved. I have so much love to give. I have so much life to share. Yet, here I am.

Nothing keeps me awake at night more than the aforementioned thoughts. Nothing brings more tears to my eyes. I am stuck and I have been for more than five years. I have tried to stay strong. I have tried to be a person who radiates pure joy. I have tried "not looking" and just let things happen. None of it works. So, you are left with the thought, "maybe it is you." Maybe you don't deserve love. Maybe you deserve to be alone. Maybe your destiny is written and you are to be alone. Maybe you deserve to feel this pain. Our past sins have a way of revisiting us. Maybe mine are paying me a visit.

I wish I knew what to do differently. I wish I knew what to change. I wish I was more confident. I refer back to the 25 words I use to describe myself and I wish "confident about how I look and feel" was one of them, but to put it there would be a lie.

Looking to the future, I am scared. For the first time in my life, my fears are starting to consume me. The simple things are beginning to seem so complicated.

So, what should I do? Where should I go from here and for the love of God don't tell me to stay patient. Give me better advice than that.

Thanks for entering my world,

-Nathan

Nathan Box
Hello! My name is Nathan. I've always believed I would meet that special someone in one of two places; either a record store or a book store. Maybe I need to amend? I moved to Seattle in February of 2011 from Oklahoma City (Try and not hold the Sonics/Thunder thing against me). I knew I wanted to work for a nonprofit and go to grad school. Within a couple of months, I was doing both. During the day, I work as a Fund Developer and Community Relations Manager for a nonprofit in Kent and at night I try to stay as busy as possible volunteering, trying new restaurants, finding hidden bars and exploring Seattle. The past few years has been both terrifying and exhilarating. I have done things on my own I didn’t think were within my capability. I love being outdoors. On any given weekend, I can be found hiking, on a road trip, volunteering, at a museum, seeing a movie (I see a lot of them). I am passionate about nonprofit work. I feel called to leave a mark on this world. Nothing against those who enjoy making tons of money, I just need to know I am making a difference.
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