Journal: August 2012

"Alone" 

I fear death. I fear dying alone. I fear not being loved. I have so much love to give. I have so much life to share. Yet, here I am.

Nothing keeps me awake at night more than the aforementioned thoughts. Nothing brings more tears to my eyes. I am stuck and I have been for more than five years. I have tried to stay strong. I have tried to be a person who radiates pure joy. I have tried "not looking" and just let things happen. None of it works. So, you are left with the thought, "maybe it is you." Maybe you don't deserve love. Maybe you deserve to be alone. Maybe your destiny is written and you are to be alone. Maybe you deserve to feel this pain. Our past sins have a way of revisiting us. Maybe mine are paying me a visit.

I wish I knew what to do differently. I wish I knew what to change. I wish I was more confident. I refer back to the 25 words I use to describe myself and I wish "confident about how I look and feel" was one of them, but to put it there would be a lie.

Looking to the future, I am scared. For the first time in my life, my fears are starting to consume me. The simple things are beginning to seem so complicated.

So, what should I do? Where should I go from here and for the love of God don't tell me to stay patient. Give me better advice than that.

Thanks for entering my world,

-Nathan