How They See Me/Weekend of Loss

Journal: February 2014 

I wish I could see myself through your eyes. You often speak of my passion, the size of my heart or my commitment to any number of causes. I see those things, but they are rarely at the forefront of my mind.

I am my toughest critic. Others will never be as hard on me, as I am on myself. It is the moments of disappointment, doubt, trauma or rejection that weigh heaviest on my mind. I am fully present for those moments of accomplishment, but I never allow myself to linger long.

That is why I wish I could see myself through your eyes. I wish your strength would have guarded me January 30-February 1. Those three days will rank as some of the toughest of my life. In 72 hours, I lost a great pet, heard the news of a high school classmate's untimely passing, confronted the death of another's father and vividly recall the shock as a blooming relationship came to an end with, "I am just not feeling it."

In those moments, I could do nothing, but blame myself. Why wasn't I a better companion to Ralph? Why wasn't I closer to Kristina? Why hadn't I called Brian? Why could I not be the one? Why can't I see myself through their eyes?

Some might say these feelings of mine shouldn't be shared. Others might think I am fishing for sympathy. At some basic level I share, because I know I am not alone. I share to connect. I know loss is a part of the human condition. I know pets die. I know people do the same. I know every person I meet will not like me. And I do want sympathy. But more than that, I want you to show me "Nathan" through your eyes. I need it now more than ever.

Thanks for entering my world,