Sometime ago, I set October 1st as a deadline to quit looking for jobs and begin preparations for a hike down the California Coastal Trail. This artificial moment in time was meant to be a line in the sand. It was chosen, so I could give myself something to look forward to; a moment in time where a new frontier could be anchored. October 1 came and went. The job updates continued to hit my inbox. I kept scrolling, clicking, reading and printing. Why? I am scared.
My proposition was a radical change. It meant loosening the chains holding tight to the normal. It required goodbyes. It was filled with doubt and feelings conjured since my move to Seattle. It required bravery. It needed more of me than I was ready to give.
It also brought forth new realities. Debt is like a chain. Contracts are held in the same fashion. What to do with my stuff was the easy part. What to do with credit cards, student loan debt and other financial agreements is/was the hard part.
No matter where I run, I can't avoid my responsibilities. My promises to financial institutions and more importantly my family are unavoidable. I have often wonder what my desire to explore and do in this world has done and is doing to my parents... my brothers and my sister. Once a year isn't enough for me, but I can't imagine what it is doing to them.
So, a most basic and fundamental question: Where to go from here? If it is possible to feel consumed by a flood of options and none at the same time, then I am at that point in my life. While, I don't need an answer now, if the universe could show some grace it would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks for entering my world,