What they don't tell you about the unexpected death of a family member is that it will destroy you. Nothing will be the same again. The way you look at the world will be radically different. Those petty moments in your life, those things that kept you up all night, will lose their weight. Everything is new. Everything is pushing you toward a new normal. A part of this new state is coming to grips with your emotions, your worldview and how you process information.
For me, I cannot get used to the idea of Lucas in the past tense. I can't bring myself to say, "and I have a younger brother who has passed." I can't get used to memories that will never be made. I can't get used to the items left undone on my bucket list. I have no idea how to act, what to say or how to proceed.
As we move forward, I can't help, but analyze my own battle with depression. Those moments of doubt, pain, loneliness... have all, but consumed my mind. There were dark times. Times when the end seemed near. Times when death seemed comforting. Times when hope seemed lost. I reflect back on these moments and focus on the triumph of preservation. Where did the will to push forward come from? Friends, family, or a new opportunity? Here, I can't help, but wonder, "Why weren't you given the same chances?" I will probably spend everyday of my life consumed with wonder. I hear this is also part of the new normal.
From here, I move to thoughts of what was left to do. Things to be done. Songs to be heard. Places to be visited. Aisles to watch you walk down. Mountains to be conquered. All are now fleeting thoughts; foxes in the woods never to be hunted. The unrealized potential is hard to put into words and even harder to fathom.
The new normal is the same as the old; I love you unconditionally. I have always felt this way toward my brother. Nothing is new here. The pain, the heartache, the disappointment, the regret... time will have a way of silencing all things. It will never be able to touch the love I have for and will always possess for my baby brother. This is normal.
Thanks for entering my world,