As my life progresses, I've come to a simple, yet powerful realization; I am not built like other men. I see picket fences, 9-5 grinds and wedding bands as traps. The very thought suffocates me. It makes me restless; desirous of escape. Now, I define mediocrity not by those who choose this life, but by those who long for adventure and never realize it. Not wanting the normal All-American life makes me different. I've come to embrace it. I find myself comforted in its warmth, difficult as it may be.
I am also accustomed to moments of delusion. I am not as kind, generous, hard working, focused or selfless as I lead myself to believe. I am a man full of flaws. Here lies a fundamental and transformational question: Can there be reconciliation between what I desire and what I am? In my mind, only a grand experiment holds the truth.
If I were to live a 100 years, I would now be forced to say my life is 30% over. This is a terrifying thought to me. There is still so much to accomplish, do and test of myself. I am a long way from calling this a life well lived. I am far from satisfied. I could accept this as truth or I could work to defy it. I am making a conscious choice to do the latter.
October 1, 2014 means I have been applying for a new career for over a year. If I reach that point, I am going to stop. I am choosing to stop for my own mental health. The rejection is demoralizing, heartbreaking and tiring. Here, I think I will need renewal. In my mind, I am tossing around a drastic thought like 54 days on the California Coastal Trail which runs the length of the state from north to south.
I wish I could see your reaction as you read this. Your thoughts may be consumed with shock, he's running (again), he watched too many movies, he's searching for something or a state I am running into a lot lately, indifference. All of your assumptions hold a grain of truth. To be honest, I feel those things. I am shocked it has come to this. I may be running, but I want to believe it is toward something magical. Movies have romanticized escape, I am well aware. I am searching and while I can't place my finger exactly on its pulse, I know it is out there somewhere.
I also know in any new endeavor, there is a long goodbye. Goodbye to the old ways of doing things. Goodbye to the person I used to be. Goodbye to family and friends. Goodbye to the idea of self. Goodbye to routine. With every goodbye though, comes a hello. That is what I am searching for in the quest for an epiphany. Some clarity, honesty and a direction would be nice too. So, here is to Oct. 1 and what lies beyond. It is sure to be one hell of a ride.
Thanks for entering my world,